CAARA Musings

 I read my past blog posts/journal entries and realise that I quite like myself. I definitely didn't like myself when I was writing those posts but I do now because I see an evolutionary trend in them. I see the raging desire to be better, to be unentangled and likeable to myself. This last year and a half though has been the most transformative period of my life. I really have come into my own. I finally like myself, broadly speaking. I still have some angularities, some rough edges and triggers but at least I'm more aware of them now and very willing to work on them. I want to be the best possible version of myself for the longest possible time in my life. This is what I really want to be:

1. In complete control of my emotions and able to handle adverse situations with calm and grace. I should be really hard to ruffle and impossible to manipulate or control.

2. Self assured enough to not seek anyone else's attention or validation.

3. Easy to be around, exude happiness and impossible to offend.

4. Switched on, with well thought out ideas and theories that I can articulate with ease.

5. Open to the universe's positive wizardry, its many secrets and its solutions.

Perch

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Every day I sit here from morning till noon. I order a small breakfast, a tea with free refills of hot water and I read or write or just stare out of the window. My ears enjoy the familiar playlist of songs that lull me into believing that I matter, that I am or at least could be as interesting a constituent of the world as the world itself. And then I realize that this is what privilege is; the luxury, the freedom to think anything you want for as long as you want without reality blindsiding you. Because reality sits outside the air-conditioned café with a tiny baby that cries intermittently and who is then put back to sleep or stupor I don’t know which because I don’t know if the baby is in fact hers. There’s a different woman almost every day, (not that I look at them carefully enough to know for sure) but I have a melancholic suspicion that the baby is the same one.

Privilege casually walks in through the door adorned with potted plants. It sits on cushioned seats or high-perched stools (something that can pretend to be comfortable only in a café with an expensive looking coffee machine), opens its sleek laptops, gossips about in laws, dissects the latest fashion exhibition, gets on long, serious conference calls, has client meetings, and then walks back out of the botanical door. This time privilege is wary of reality’s outstretched begging palms and so the walk is brisk. Or maybe it’s just the Columbian blend coffee.

I know nothing, Jon Snow.

What do I know?

A financial ecosystem much like a biological ecosystem needs to have as many different types of creatures as possible. The greater the variety, the better the check on each of its constituents. The inter-twining checks of each such constituent only lend to enhancing the efficiency of the system.

What must then matter is the overall output of such a system. Whether a Paul Singer is bad or a George Soros is good is immaterial. What is of significance is whether there are enough of Soros’ to counter the Singers and and enough Trumps to counter the Obamas in turn. The ideal purpose of the system then ought to be only to maximize this variety of its constituents, which in turn means that the platform for such a system must be rationality; a system of principled thinking that allows for the careful perusal of each notion on equal footing. No thought or idea can be more equal than another. Even the absurd must be accommodated so long as it is devoted to rationality’s daughter, logic.   

good bad ugly

My self-esteem is quite low at the moment and so I’m hoping this note will help me recuperate. Having said that, I mean to analyze myself in all honesty. The only liberty I will allow myself in the hope of recuperation is to start with my positive attributes. Of course, I am talking out of my hat. Still, I want to plod on. If I put myself out on paper, I’m hoping the habit will stick on and play out in real life too, with real people.

The (relatively)good stuff:

• 1.     I am self-aware
• 2.     I have the mental discipline to change myself
• 3.     I’m inner-score-card driven for the most part
• 4.     I can’t lie to myself or to others very easily
• 5.     I  have fewer material needs relative to others in my social setting

The bad (and the terrible)

• 1.     I seek vengeance too much, too often (if only in my imagination)
• 2.     I judge others for their opinions and failings and then write them off too soon
• 3.     I worry too much about being seen badly by others (so then not so inner-score-card driven after all!)
• 4.     I don’t take myself seriously enough when I ought to and take myself too seriously in inter-personal situations.
• 5.     I don’t have a grip over my emotions
• 6.     I have a holier than thou attitude with most people. It’s probably a self-preservation mechanism but sometimes I’m proud of it even when I don’t vocalize it.
• 7.     I’m lazy and can’t work hard for long periods.
• 8.     I haven’t yet figured out who I really am or what I stand for. I’m almost 35.

Journaling every day takes tremendous commitment. There are times I want to write and then times when I just want to hide under a rock and never be discovered. This pendulum of emotional states is exhausting. But writing it down makes it more real and harder to brush off. So in times of deep distress I make a conscious effort to not find paper and pen (or a blank word file in this case), only to discover that in times of peace its really hard to write because everything sounds like a complaint. Maybe I need to write about things other than how I’m feeling. Maybe there’s a tutorial out there waiting to be googled for on how to write a journal. Maybe I’m way off about everything I think I know.  But does anyone know anything? How do people manage their lives? How are they able to keep their self-esteem buoyant through the deluge of social interactions that age brings? I hope I find out sooner than later.

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