Central park, NY,

 

This city just puts everything in perspective. Everyone is someone here with issues of their own. If people have lived through tougher problems than mine then it stands to reason that mine will pass too. Of course, if I get stuck in a problem for an extended period of time then there's always the option of re-calibration of expectations. Others' and my own. 
 
My 'venting machine' must be non-human. People are simply too unreliable. And there is no such  thing as unconditional love. Why else am I so friend-less? Why can't I connect to my satisfaction with anyone? 
It's been 5 humungous years since I left Jodhpur and the security of it's mediocrity and I am still grappling with my insecurities, low self esteem and the general sense of rudderless-ness. I almost never know what I want or where I would rather be or even who I'd rather be with. The only thing I am familiar with is the incessant ache inside. And the horribly vivid dreams.
I guess you just have to suck it up and move on. I don't see the point of it though. I dont see the point of being so lonely and yet having to continue living for the sake of others.          
The whole baby thing spooks the living daylights out of me for the same reason. Attachments are good so long as the relationship is convenient. Inconvenience of the slightest changes everything and attachments to people sour instantly. All the love and the promises rush for the exits. And more often than not this inconvenience stems out of fatigue, the banality of permanence and the implicit  security of the relationship itself.  When you starve the body, it feeds on itself.