Sometimes I think it would be much easier if I could slow down the
conversation and just write what I really want to say but when it actually
comes down to putting down the words I realize its harder than it seemed. There
are times when I have a lot to say but no one will listen and when someone
asks, on that rare occasion, I find myself blanking. Neither the thoughts come
nor the words. Maybe because I am a reductionist in general I find it hard to
think speaking the stuff that crosses my mind will matter much. Hasn’t it been
said already? Is it not known already? How interesting can a book or an
experience be? How can it possibly hold the other person’s attention when even
I say it out aloud I lose interest?
These are paralyzing thoughts in my mind a second before I’m about to
start talking. I want to hide away from everyone’s attention but when I really
do I feel sorry for myself. I’d rather
just not be. I say that because I’m a quitter I guess. I leave unfinished projects,
conversations, emails all the time. I’m sure its one of my more annoying
qualities. I try identifying all my
annoying qualities and work on them. I exhaust myself trying. Some I’m able to
get right, others not. Either way I feel the need for appreciation for trying
at all. But nobody is watching. I shouldn’t expect anybody to. Then I realize
that what I need is not a pat on the back as much as I need being needed.
That’s my thing. I like being needed. I like to matter to people and
situations. It’s been like that since the very beginning.
