good bad ugly

My self-esteem is quite low at the moment and so I’m hoping this note will help me recuperate. Having said that, I mean to analyze myself in all honesty. The only liberty I will allow myself in the hope of recuperation is to start with my positive attributes. Of course, I am talking out of my hat. Still, I want to plod on. If I put myself out on paper, I’m hoping the habit will stick on and play out in real life too, with real people.

The (relatively)good stuff:

• 1.     I am self-aware
• 2.     I have the mental discipline to change myself
• 3.     I’m inner-score-card driven for the most part
• 4.     I can’t lie to myself or to others very easily
• 5.     I  have fewer material needs relative to others in my social setting

The bad (and the terrible)

• 1.     I seek vengeance too much, too often (if only in my imagination)
• 2.     I judge others for their opinions and failings and then write them off too soon
• 3.     I worry too much about being seen badly by others (so then not so inner-score-card driven after all!)
• 4.     I don’t take myself seriously enough when I ought to and take myself too seriously in inter-personal situations.
• 5.     I don’t have a grip over my emotions
• 6.     I have a holier than thou attitude with most people. It’s probably a self-preservation mechanism but sometimes I’m proud of it even when I don’t vocalize it.
• 7.     I’m lazy and can’t work hard for long periods.
• 8.     I haven’t yet figured out who I really am or what I stand for. I’m almost 35.

Journaling every day takes tremendous commitment. There are times I want to write and then times when I just want to hide under a rock and never be discovered. This pendulum of emotional states is exhausting. But writing it down makes it more real and harder to brush off. So in times of deep distress I make a conscious effort to not find paper and pen (or a blank word file in this case), only to discover that in times of peace its really hard to write because everything sounds like a complaint. Maybe I need to write about things other than how I’m feeling. Maybe there’s a tutorial out there waiting to be googled for on how to write a journal. Maybe I’m way off about everything I think I know.  But does anyone know anything? How do people manage their lives? How are they able to keep their self-esteem buoyant through the deluge of social interactions that age brings? I hope I find out sooner than later.

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